(Disclaimer- I proofread this post a dozen times and used Grammarly to help. If you see any mistakes, forgive me I’m only human. And I am not perfect. Thanks for reading!)
Current weight: 243
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of the word fat is the following: “notable for having an unusual amount of fat.” So by that description, I am indeed fat. There I said it. If you could not tell by the title, this is how I see myself. This is how I’ve always seen myself. Now when people learn this I get the usual: “You are not fat” or “You don’t look that big.” To others that may very well be the case. But the camera lens never lies honey. When I see myself in pictures (the rare times that I allow one to be taken) I see my truth. And that truth is: I’m fat. Now before you start thinking that this is going to be a “Debbie Downer” piece or that I’m looking for sympathy, it’s not. Trust me. I’m a 40 year old woman who knows good and damn well how she got here.
I wasn’t taken proper care of myself.
Hell, I still don’t always take proper care of myself. And there lies the problem. I feel as though if I can so easily state that I am fat, then I should be equally able to admit why this has happened. Accept full responsibility for myself and my actions. Or in this case, lack thereof. Now I could sit here and write that I have “fat genes” which could very well be a thing. Or say I have “big bones” which is not a real thing. Yes, people have used that as an explanation before. But for me personally, it didn’t have to be this way. I unknowingly chose to be this way. This way was more comfortable than actually having to move my body a few times a week. This way was more comfortable than actually having to prepare a healthy meal. This way (and I’m being perfectly honest here) felt and tasty better far better than taking care of myself. Isn’t that some shit to actually realize about you. (Insert emoji with hand over the face)
So it’s time to make a change. A real serious lifestyle change that I will realistically live by. This time last year, I weighed 210 pounds respectively. I had lost 30 pounds to get to that point. Now in my mind, I was still fat, but I was well on my way to my first big goal. Finally weighing under 200 pounds for the first time in years. I was feeling better about myself, my clothes were looking better on me and I had more energy. Then life happened…..again. I started feeling a bit down somewhere between mid to late summer. By fall I hit that terrible wall of full-blown depression. I stopped working out completely. But since I wasn’t gaining, I thought I was okay. Some days I would eat all day and other days I would barely eat at all. In early September I found out that I was going to have to have major surgery. That diagnosis sent me over the edge both mentally and physically. In October I began seeing a therapist because I knew I needed help in a major way. I’ve been seeing her since then, and now mentally I’m in a more positive space in my mind. Despite that, by the day of the surgery (December 27th), I had gained back 15 pounds. And now I weigh more than when I originally started losing weight last summer. And if the scale didn’t tell me, my knees sure did. It’s time to get this fat under control.
It comes down to this: I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Period.
So I’m going to post once at the end of every month on this blog with an entry titled, “Fat Girl Chronicles.” I’m going to talk about all the challenges, the setbacks, and triumphs that I experienced within that month. The good, bad, ugly and the truth. Changing who I am in context to how I deal with food and fitness won’t be easy or pretty. Trying to improve or change aspects of oneself rarely is. It’s actually a bit scary that I’m putting all my business out on Front Street like this. Maybe if I share my truth with the world, I’ll hold myself more accountable. I’m sure it will probably be, at times, an uncomfortable journey that I must undertake. It is important that I do this in order to reach my goals and achieve my dreams. So that I can finally start living the life that I want to live.