I hate starting over again, I really do. And since I know that I do, one would think I would do everything I could possibly not to have too ever again. But alas I find myself in the same position that I have many, many times before. Oh you know the things we tell ourselves:
“I’m starting that diet Monday”
“I’m hitting the gym five days a week”
“I will post on my blog twice (or in my case, once) a week”
“I will no longer waste my time with…..” (Fill in the blank as you wish)
And the ever so popular: “I’m starting next week.”
I’ve said all of the above (and then some) and at first, I did a pretty good job of sticking to the new goal. Until life decided to throw me a curve ball or my old bad habits showed their ugly faces yet again. Either way, I’m back to square one. And I’m sure I’m not alone in saying: I HATE BEING BACK AT SQUARE ONE.
Honestly, I felt like a bit of a loser, who may never get it together. And like all the things I said I wanted to do and still do want to do are completely pointless. Why bother trying again, right?
BACK AT SQUARE ONE.
By the summer of 2018, I had lost 28 pounds and was feeling pretty good. Then somewhere around mid-summer, I noticed that my mood had significantly changed. I would go to work (which at the time was a job that I loathed) and come home. I stopped working out and eating healthy foods. I stopped hanging out with friends and avoided most social events. Mentally and physically I had zero energy for anything. Even writing for me (blog, journaling, creative writing) had just slowed to a stop. It was as if my life was stuck in the middle of the street without gas to move. I had hit the proverbial wall of sorts. This only got worse as summer became fall. I found out in early September that I was going to have to have surgery. That information subsequently sent me into an even bigger depressive and anxiety-ridden tailspin. So much so, that by October I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t attempt to hurt myself in any way. But if I had gotten in an accident and didn’t survive, at that moment I would have been ok with that. This is when I knew I had to get some help. After a not so successful first effort in finding a therapist, I finally found a facility that I liked. That wasn’t an overnight solution by any stretch of the measure. But I was able to speak to someone about how I was feeling and what I was going through during that time. I had someone to talk to about my fear of the upcoming surgery that I would later have in December. And it provided me a safe place to speak on things that I never knew that I needed too. It really helped me to learn more about myself as a person. I learned (and still am) why I do the things I do and think the way I think. And that has helped me to come full circle.
BACK AT SQUARE ONE.
Realistically, this is not exactly the place where I want to be. I wanted to be way further along in my life’s journey that I am now. But I’m learning that it is a place where I need to be. I had to come full circle, back to square one, in order to learn the lessons that needed to be learned. My mind, spirit, and creativity have grown tremendously as a direct result of starting over. I’m going toward my goals in a newer, clearly state of mind. Now that’s not to say that my depression and anxiety have disappeared completely. I’m human so that may never happen fully; they may be with me forever. I had to learn that depression and anxiety are not who I am.
I can say that being forced to go back to square one showed me that if I can survive the last 9 months, then I can survive anything. Depression and anxiety be dammed. So if you find yourself in a similar situation for whatever reason, just know that you may have to go back to square one. And that doesn’t mean that you’re down for the count. It just means that you need to take a break from what you’re doing. Refuel your energy in a way that works for you. And start again. There’s no shame in having to go back to square one. Believe me, I know.