Clean up the milk and move on…

(Disclaimer- I proofread this thing a dozen times and used an online site to help. If you see any mistakes, I’m only human and not perfect. Thanks for reading!)

If you read last week’s post, then you know that I love listening to a podcast called, “The Read” hosted by Crissle and Kid Fury.  In the episode called, “Cheerleader”, Crissle spoke on her depression, seeing her therapist and the advice given by the therapist.  The therapist compared negative self-talk to running a race. (See last week’s post for full description.)  Crissle’s therapist went on to give an example about forgiving your past mistakes.  Her therapist said, “Let’s say a child spilled a cup of milk.  Are you going to every time you see that child, every day for the rest of their life be like, remember the time when you were 5 and 38 days and you spilled milk?  And I had to use three of my good Bounty’s to clean it up?  And replace my eight ounces of milk.  Are you going to drag that baby for that?  Or are we going to clean up the milk and move on with our fucking lives?”  From that moment on, Crissle decided that she had to clean up the milk in her life.  She would stop blaming herself non-stop and start looking forward again. Bam!  It hit me like a ton of bricks!  Is that what I have been doing the majority of my adult life?  Bitching over milk I spilled when I was young, naive and didn’t know any better.  Constantly berating myself over and over for situations that no longer exist and couldn’t be changed anyway.  Being my own biggest critic/ hater has always been a real hotbed issue for me.  After hearing the example that Crissle’s therapist gave her, I fully comprehend what my problem has been.  I have a lack of compassion for myself.  Isn’t that a fucked up thing to find out about yourself.

My understanding and heart is always so large for others.  I am able to fully support others with mistakes they have made in the past with my encouraging words.  But when it comes to having those same words for myself, there’s been little to none.  It is as if I don’t allow myself space to make mistakes or bad decisions.  For some reason, that is not allowed in my world.  For me, it’s not so much that I’m trying to be perfect.  I know this will never happen.  And that is completely all right with me.  Trying to be perfect, looks like a lot of work that I simply wouldn’t be dedicated to doing.  So where does my lack of self-compassion stem from?  Why is it that I can be so kind and uplifting for others, but not myself?  I am very skilled at stopping someone from beating themselves up.  I’m also very good at telling someone to have more patience with themselves and quick to say, “Everyone makes mistakes.”  Sometimes I can see the potential in others way more than I can see it in myself.  I have given myself far too much cruel kindness.  That is clearly something I would never do to another person.  Maybe I thought I was helping myself by giving cruel kindness.  By reminding myself of unpleasant situations I have been through, this would somehow help me to never to make those mistakes again.  By constantly replaying situations and poor choices, I would somehow learn to never do it again.  I found that this is unacceptable behavior and an oxymoron that simply makes no sense.  So what are the steps I plan on doing to change this behavior?

Step 1- Acknowledge that I am not compassion with myself.  Seems easy enough right?  But until one can admit to themselves that they have a problem, the situation can’t be fixed.

Step 2- Accept that mistakes have been made.  I’m human and humans make mistakes.  Some of the mistakes I made were necessary in order for me to learn and grow.  They taught me to make better choices and to listen to my gut.  Without making certain mistakes, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today.  And right now, I think I’m pretty awesome.  🙂

Step 3- Change the thought.  When NENE just won’t seem to shut her negative pie hole, I have to quickly remind myself of how awesome I am.  I begin to think of all the accomplishments that I have made over the years.  I will speak positive affirmations that prompt my brain to go down a more optimistic path.

Step 4- Forgive myself. This one will truly be the hardest to do of all the steps. I’ll have to learn that I’m still a good, smart person, who has flaws. No more or less than anyone else, just flaws. My past choices or decisions do not dictate how much I have grown. They also don’t determine my future. I will give myself a pep talk when I think of a mistake and move on. I will not dwell on choices and things in the past that can’t be changed.

As long as I’m walking the Earth, I will make mistakes.  It’s an important fact of life that I must remember.  I will acknowledge when I have done so, learn from said mistake, forgive myself and move on.  Because I’m tired of beating myself up over old, spilled milk.

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How Are You Running Your Race?

(Disclaimer- I proofread this thing a dozen times and used an online site to help. If you see any mistakes, oh well, I’m only human. Thanks for reading!)
A little over a month ago I was listening to one of my favorite podcast called, “The Read” hosted by Kid Fury and Crissle.  The episode is called, “Cheerleading” and in it, Crissle talks about her history of depression and negative self-talk.  She said something that her therapist told her that made her take a serious look at how she speaks to herself.  And after hearing it, it also made me take a look at how I speak to myself?  Her therapist said to her, “Picture life like a race. And one person is beaten along the path.  Like someone is whipping at their back. Chastising them and telling them all the ways that they suck.  And they’re moving forward trying to be motivated by the negativity.  And the other person has cheerleaders in the distance who are rooting for them and encouraging them to keep going.  And when they fall saying, ‘That’s fine.  You know we all stumble sometimes.  Just get back up, dust your knees off and keep going at it.’  And you can choose how you’re going to talk to yourself through life.  Are you going to beat yourself through it?  Or are you going to cheerlead yourself through it?”  Crissle said as soon as her therapist told her that, she began to change the way that she spoke to herself.

I know for an absolute fact that most times I am not kind to myself.  My words can be harsh, rude, mean and downright disrespectful.  Sometimes so that the things that I say to myself I wouldn’t dare allow anyone to say to me.  So why is it ok that I say those things to myself?  Ideally, I know that it’s not.  But that doesn’t stop me from constantly doing it.  At one point the negative self-talk was loud and often, it became the only self-language I knew.  I have come a long way from the constant beating myself up.  But I still have a tendency of whipping my own back instead of rooting myself on in this race called life.  My problem is I’m often living the past or worried about the future.  Neither of which is mentally healthy for me to do.  One reason is that I can’t seem to forgive or forget my past mistakes.  The second reason is that I’m not presently where I want to be in life, and I worry I’ll never get there.

My negative self-talk appears to come from my own vision of lack and comparison.  Since I don’t have the things that I want, all I see is lack.  Here’s how it usually goes:  “I’m not currently working as a full-time writer because I lack the skills needed in order to achieve that.  I’m single because I lack the beauty it takes to draw someone’s interests.  I’ll never move ahead in life because I made that awful decision five years ago.”  You get the idea.  The comparison comes from looking at what everyone else is doing instead of looking directly at my own path.  I’m watching how everyone else is performing in their race of life and that slows me down.  I get slowed down because I think I should be where they are in life.  Often times I forget the fact that everyone runs at their own pace. So where does the negative self-talk, my vision of lack and compassion get me?  The short answer is:  NOWHERE.  And who the hell wants to stay there?

After hearing Crissle give the race example that her therapist gave her, it really made me want to change my internal dialogue.  I want to cheer myself on the way I would cheer for others.  I’m a fantastic cheerleader for everyone else.  Why shouldn’t I do the same for myself?  Learning to not beat myself up will surely be an everyday struggle.  This isn’t something that will suddenly stop overnight.  I will probably have to work hard each and every day to see the good in myself.  I can do this by learning to ignore those things I don’t see as being “good enough.”  For every discouraging thought that comes across my mind, I will quickly follow it up with something I love about myself.  I will keep my eyes on my own journey and pace, and not worry so much about what others are doing.  And not comparing my speed to theirs.  Knowing that comparison only serves to injure me in my own race.  Daily, I will think of a least three things I like about myself or that I’m good at.  This will serve as the encouragement that I need to hit the finish line. I want to run a strong race, with all the strength that I can muster.  I must learn to not be my biggest adversary.  And become my biggest supporter, encourager and overall best friend.  Because after all I am the one running this race, and this race I fully intend to win.

High-Functioning Depression: It’s Real

We all know (or should know by now) to never self-diagnose using the web.  What you initially think is just a common cold, will later have you thinking you’ve got Ebola in your left lung.  Despite this knowledge, I went ahead and hit up google anyway because I was sure I could figure out what my issues were.  Or at the very least get pointed in the right direction.  And it helped me figure out what I kind of already knew.  I was depressed.  Or more specifically, I have high functional depression.  According to Talkspace.com, “High-functioning depression is a form of the (depression) illness that is not intense enough to noticeably affect the ability to perform daily responsibilities such as work and home duties.  High functioning depression can carry some of the same symptoms as any other form of the disorder.”  Some of the symptoms the site listed were: Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood, Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism, irritability, feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies or activities, restlessness, appetite and weight changes, thoughts of death or suicide, aches or pains, digestive problems with a clear physical cause, relentless self-criticism, doubt, worry over the past and future and getting upset by small issues.  After reading the article I had to face the fact that I currently have a few of these symptoms.

I didn’t want to claim depression.  I mean who does?  But seeing as though I’ve had depression before, I know what it feels like.  This time though it felt different for me.  I was able to get out of bed and handle necessary daily activities.  But once the work day was done, I would shut down.  I didn’t feel like doing anything.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone or go anywhere.  I just wanted to be left alone, lay around and watch television. My sleep habits were all over the place.  Some days all I wanted to do was sleep (basically taking naps) and on other days I couldn’t sleep at all.  I begin to know something was different when I stopped doing the things that made me feel more positive and good.  I stopped reading self-help books (and books in general), meditating, working out, interacting with people and watching positive YouTube channels I’m subscribed too.  This change wasn’t overnight, it was a gradual change.  Maybe that’s why it took me so long to identify.  I had a temporary job during the summer that was physically and mentally draining on me.  So when I wasn’t there, I had no energy to do anything.  Since I had less energy that meant that I didn’t want to go anywhere on my days off.  Since I didn’t want to claim depression (let alone even say it) I just thought I was tired from the job I didn’t like.  I blamed outside things instead of looking inside at what the issue could be.  And the issue was me.

Once I really gave how I was feeling some serious thought, I had to realize that I was depressed.  Saying that I was depressed goes against everything you learn when studying the law of attraction.  According to the law of attraction, you should only think and speak positivity into your life.  Because if you think and speak negative, the universe will give you more things to be negative about.  My thinking was, “If I actually say I’m depressed, then I’ll bring more things into my life that will make me depressed.”  And that could very well be true.  I came to understand that the way I was feeling didn’t go against the law of attraction.  Just like the law of attraction has become a part of who I am, unfortunately, feelings of sadness from time to time are too.  At some point, the way I feel has to hold just as much weight as my efforts to live my life according to the law of attraction.  So how do I work through this to get back to a more positive, happier me?

The first thing I did was to accept that I was depressed.  Step one completed, check.  I had to leave all the stigma I felt about having to admit to depression behind.  My next step was to find a professional to sit and talk with.  That may take more time seeing as though health insurances are usually full of shit when you actually need to use it.  But that’s a post for another day.  But I’m hopeful that they will help me financially.  Until I’m able to see a professional, I decided to work on the following:

1.) Start reading again.  Even if it’s only 15 minutes a day to start.  I do enjoy reading and the type of books I read usually do help me to be more positive and hopeful.
2.) Do some physical activity. I actually enjoy lifting weights, so I’ll start again with three days a week.  Over time, hopefully, I can build from there.
3.) Journal more.  In the past, journaling has seemed to help me work through problems. And it also helps to clear my mind of worries I may have.  That, in turn, helps me fall asleep easier and sleep better.
4.) Mediating. You would think this one would be a no-brainer for me, but it isn’t.  I’ll start with just 10 minutes and build up from there.  Again I do this before bed so that I can relax and fall asleep.  I’m going to try to implement mediation into different parts of my day as well.

As I continue the healing process, I will work to not beat myself up for how or even why I may have feelings of sadness from time to time.  I know that I’m not a lost cause.  I am human with emotions that go up and down.  But as long as I don’t stay down for long, I’ll be ok.  Deep down I know that too shall pass.

Who am I?

(Disclaimer- I proofread this thing a dozen times and used an online site to help.  If you see mistakes, oh well, I’m only human.  Thanks.)

Last week I found out that I’m going to have to have surgery.  It’s the kind of surgery that women pray they never have to go through.  Especially if they wanted children.  To hear the news from the doctor was devastating at first.  But not for the reason it would be for a woman my age who is childless.  See, having a child was never really in my life’s plan.  I always said I never wanted children because I didn’t like them.  But as the years went on, I came to find out that that was not true.  After working as a Teacher Assistant (a job I fell into) I had a vivid realization.  I freaking love kids!  Ages 3 to 5 is my favorite group to work with.  But I also find enjoyment in working with older kids as well.  I say all this to say:  Getting pregnant was never on my to-do list.  When I found out where babies came from as a young child, the appeal or desire died that day.  (Insert laughing emoji here)  Seriously though, I thought I would never be a mother.  And honestly, I’m ok with that.  I figured that if the universe wanted me to be a mom, then a child would be sent via adoption.  So to find out that this surgery might possibly remove any chance for me to become a mother biologically, made me feel weird.  Even though as I stated I had no plans for this.  Several questions I never had to think about before popped into my mind as well.  What would I feel like afterward?  How big will the scar be?  Will this completely kill my sex drive?  And most importantly:  Will I feel less like a woman?

The last question really got me to thinking about how I truly viewed myself.  Why have I tied up my womanhood in my reproductive system?  Just because my body can hold life within it, am I not less than because mine may not be able too anymore?  After pondering this, I came to a resounding answer.  Hell no!  Regardless of the outcome of my situation, I will still be who I have always been.  Me.  Yes, this will be a big change. Yes, this will take some adjustment on my part to get used too.  And yes, my mind and body will need time to heal.  But this change is necessary for my well-being and health.

Why do we sometimes began to feel less than ourselves when a sudden change occurs in life?  I’m sure there are people who have worked in a certain field for years and then lost that position.  Now they don’t know who they are if they can’t be that (fill in the blank) they were for 20 years.  There are people who have been in relationships for so long that when it ended, they didn’t recognize themselves anymore.  They have questioned who they were without this person in their life.  Often times when life comes to shake things up, sometimes we start questioning who we are.  I say all this to say, that sometimes we hold onto the idea of who and what we are based on exterior things.  Or even worse, what society dictates what we should be.  Both are destructive behaviors that we must diminish from our lives.  Knowing that I have to have this surgery made me look at myself in a different light.  Which definitely was not healthy for me mentally.  This is a change I that I never actually thought I would have to go through.  But this is happening so I must accept it.  I finally remembered that who I am isn’t wrapped up in my body and what it can and cannot do.  That actualization gave me a sense of freedom.  Freedom in knowing that I’m still the same woman I’ve always been.  If not stronger for actually having to go through this.  And with any other future dramatic life change, I will always remember who I am.  Strong, brave, smart, funny, kind, big-hearted, loyal and a positive thinker.  And truly that’s all that matters.

Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Oxymoron- (Definition according to Merriam-Webster) a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (such as cruel kindness; broadly: something (such as concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements.  By definition comfortable being uncomfortable is quite the oxymoron.  How can one be comfortable while also being uncomfortable? Impossible you say?  Wrong.  It’s a very easy experience to have.  Here are three examples:

1.) It’s the middle of the night, you are sleeping in your bed and now you are woken up because you have to use the bathroom.  The bed is too nice and warm to get out of, so you decide to try to sleep it off while your bladder proceeds to kick your insides.  Comfortable being uncomfortable.

2.) You’re flipping through the channels on TV and you clumsily drop the remote on the floor.  Too lazy to pick it up, you start watching a documentary about how the thimble was invented.  Comfortable being uncomfortable.

3.) You’re working a job you can’t stand but the pay is steady.  So you go back day after day, to see people you would rather not, to do work you don’t care about in order to receive a check that doesn’t pay you enough for your efforts.  You do this instead of going back to school to get that degree you want or starting that company or dream job that you can’t stop thinking about.  Comfortable being uncomfortable.

The first two examples were a bit silly (even though everyone is guilty of doing them) but the third one is a doozy.  I’m sure everyone at one time or another has been (or currently is) guilty of something similar to that.  Hell as I write these words, I’m culpable of doing that right now.  For me comfortable being uncomfortable basically means, “I don’t like something in or about my life, but I’m too lazy, unmotivated or doubtful that I can do anything to change it.” Since I held that belief that meant I didn’t do anything….ever.  I stayed the same (comfortable) but in the same situation (uncomfortable.)  It was ridiculous and a complete waste of my precious time on the Earth, but that didn’t stop me from NOT doing it anyway.  I honestly never gave that much thought until about a year or so ago.  I got tired of being uncomfortable more than staying miserably comfortable in my own bullshit.  It came down to me not wanting to continue to live the same crappy life that I had been for so long.  That meant I would have to climb (kicking and screaming at times) out of my comfortable zone.

Now I could sit here and tell you that it was easy for me to do.  That I enjoyed every waking minute of it because I knew that I was improving myself and my life.  And that I was super eager to get started.  (Insert fake smiling face here)  But my friend, that would be bullshit.  And the one thing you won’t get here from me on this blog is bullshit.  So I’m going to keep it all the way real with you…… The shit kind of sucked.  At least in the very beginning when I first got started on this new journey.  There was a lot of starting and stopping over a long period of time before I actually found my steady stride.  The thing that I held onto was that although it hurt now, it would all pay off in the end.  I’ll share a few tips I use to get through this process as unscathed as possible….with minimum bruising.

START SMALL- Trying to change a bunch of things that make you comfortable all at once is a sure fire way to end up quitting. Pick one or two things that you can handle first. And once you have them handled, then you can add another one.

PUSH THROUGH THE RESISTANCE- Your mind will try to psych you out at every given turn, don’t let it.  Despite you trying to improve yourself, it will tell you that there’s no point.  It will tell you that you can’t do this and that you will fail.  As you push through the pain, your mindset will begin to change.  That will help you continue to gain more momentum and progress.

FOCUS ON YOUR WINS- I don’t care how big or small, a win is a win, no matter how short or tall.  (Just went Dr. Seuss on you right there, but you get the point.)  Any improvement you make on your journey is a victory.  And it should be respected and treated as such. Don’t downplay how you have advanced in any situation you have been working toward. And for the love of God, don’t let anyone’s comments to you that aren’t good knock you off your game.  If they can’t get with you and what you’re trying to do, they can get gone without you. Period.
And the most important thing to do……

DON’T GIVE UP- Now that one can be a tricky bastard because when things get tough for anyone the first we want to do is quit.  And to be honest with you, you might quit.  As I said I have started and stopped many a day, but ultimately I didn’t fully quit.  I got back on that damn wild horse and rode again.  Remember why you started the process in the first place.  The work will be hard (I’m not going to sugar coat it for you) but it will be worth it in the end when you get to where you want to be.

So start, push through the pain and stay the course. You can do this.
 

Insecurities: Deceptive Little Bitches

Insecurities…… Low-key hating bastards.
Everyone on this Earth has insecurities, period. Whether they would like to admit it or not, most people have just as many as you do. And having them can be a real bitch to deal with on a daily basis. They stop us from doing thousands of things that we would love to do. Talk to your crush (guilty), ask for that raise you know you deserve, enter that writing contest (guilty), apply for that job that you feel under qualified for but you know you would kill at (guilty), starting that blog, YouTube or podcast (guilty, guilty and guilty.) And multitude of other things I could list here. I know my insecurities have stopped me from living the life that I want. And honestly, that’s quite sad to think about. A lot of them I have held onto for decades thinking that they are true to who I am. I really wish I had learned early on that holding on to these “beliefs” would hurt my growth and development as a person. Had I known that, I would have started working on this shit years ago. I guess I thought it was just me being lazy and not wanting to do the work in order to achieve my life goals. Not having a single clue that was totally not my problem. I would psych myself out of doing or trying something before I even gave it a try. Basically because in my mind I knew that I would fail. I just knew without a doubt that it wouldn’t work out. So why bother?

I now know that my insecurities aren’t fully the problem, it is how I dealt with them. Let me explain in a way that you may not have ever thought about before. Think of that little voice in your head as a person you really don’t like. If someone were to say to you: “You totally won’t be successful if you start that blog. You have nothing valuable to say that anyone would care about. And on top of all that you can’t write.” How would you handle it? I myself (who has a bit of a mean streak thanks to my not so nice mother) knows exactly what I would do. I would calmly list all the reasons why they are wrong about everything they just said. Then proceed to cuss them out from here to entirety. How dare they tell me I can’t do something? The nerve! Oh, wait….. How come I can defend myself against another person, but not against my own negative self- talk? It’s a lot harder to defend yourself against the negative thoughts in your mind.

So what does one do when they want to overthrow insecurities but don’t know where to start? There isn’t a clear cut, step by step manual for this sort of thing. Different people require different approaches to help them along the way. But I can tell what I have been doing to work on my own.

1.) I stopped giving the voice any attention. I know its way easier said than done. But as I said above, I now treat that voice (and thought) as if it were coming from a person that I didn’t like. Think about it? Would you give anyone’s opinion the first thought let alone a second thought, if you didn’t give a damn about them? Survey says NOPE!

2.) I started giving more focus to the things I can do as opposed to what I couldn’t. I’m currently on a weight loss/ get healthy journey. I have been struggling a bit to get my next goal of 10 pounds off. It had become all I thought about and that was started to mess up my positive thoughts. I was becoming scale obsessed and doubting that this weight loss thing could be done. Since I begin this journey though, I have lost 30 pounds. Instead of stressing over the 10 pounds I still need to lose, my focal point has changed to the 30 pounds already gone. If I was able to lose 30 pounds, surely lose 10 more pounds.

3.) I pay more attention the things I like about myself. No matter how many insecurities you may have, there is at least one thing that you like about yourself. If you can’t think of one off the top of your head, deep deeper because it is there. It can be something as small as you liking your own handwriting. Or something more significant to you loving the fact that you have a big heart. Once you think of one thing, chances are more things will come to you.

4.) I began taking small steps to change the things I didn’t like about myself. I have always been super insecure about my body. I finally got to a point where I knew I couldn’t continue to live in a body that didn’t make me happy or healthy. Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows how difficult it can be. You basically have to change damn near everything about your behavior in order to be successful at it. So I started taking small steps to change instead of trying to tackle it all at once. And so far so good, I have been successful.

Try your best to not let your insecurities keep you down. Don’t let that little bastard in your mind keep you from becoming the person you want to be. Or achieving any goal that you have. Remember that you are not the only one that is doubting something about themselves. Despite what people on all of social media may present to you.

 

 

 

 

Going through the storm: A time for renewal

Have you ever had a certain period of time in your life, where it seems as though you are surrounding by nothing but dark clouds?  Things are moving alone, but often at a snail’s pace and not always for the better.  I noticed that my storm began sometime around late November 2017.  I totally wasn’t feeling any of the holidays this past season.  And that’s not like me, because my inner chubby kid can’t wait for Thanksgiving to arrive. Ha! Ha!  But this past year…Nothing.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I was depressed, but I would say that I was in a serious funk.  I made a major decision (and took a big leap of faith) in November, which I thought would give me instant gratification.  I quit a job that was totally making me miserable, inside and out.  So for a brief period, I was totally okay with my decision.  Elated even.  That was until next month’s bill (and Christmas) came, then I had what one would call “buyer’s remorse.”

“Did I make the right decision? Maybe it wasn’t so bad there as I thought it was. I was probably totally overreacted as I usually do. I wonder if I could get that job back.”

Those were just some of the thoughts that crossed my mind when the storm clouds began to brew around me.  Maybe I brought them onto myself with my negative self-talk, or maybe it was just my time for renewal.  Years ago before I began the work of self-improvement, I would have viewed these clouds as dooms day.  No good will ever come of this.  I won’t be happy again, let alone be able to make it through the other side safely.  All is lost…..woe is me.  See where I’m going with this?  Total Debbie Downer to the fullest!  And I would have been full on comfortable with that.  But that’s a topic for another post…which you will be able to read soon.  But I digress….

Why do I think it’s a time for renewal instead of just a storm full of nasty clouds out to destroy me?  Simply this. Night has to come before the sun arrives.  It’s the way of the world, its nature.  My hair (which is naturally curly) got damaged due to over processing of color in late September.  Everyone kept saying that I would need to cut off all the damaged parts and start over. My hair was finally down to my mid back when straighten, so I refused. I deep conditioned the shit out my hair, but to avail.  My curls were all but gone, dead, a distance curly memory. (Insert crying emoji here)  And somewhere along the line, I had to except that a move on.  So little by little, I had inches cut off here and there.  By late January, I couldn’t take seeing my leftover straight pieces, so I begged my hairdresser to cut the rest of damaged hair out.  And then even it out altogether. I knew that this would mean that my hair would be hella short again.  Almost as short as when I decided to stop putting relaxers in my hair and go natural in the first place.  But as soon as she was done and I looked in the mirror, I was so freaking happy!  I felt light again.  New Year, new attitude, new outlook, new goals, new hair and a new me.

Now I say all that to say this:  Even though the clouds may brew around you, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad thing.  The storm could be there to clean away some bullshit that you may not be ready to do yourself.  (Which is usually the case for me.)  It could be there to teach you a lesson that you need to learn.  It could appear to help you learn to have my faith.  Faith in your journey, faith in your life or faith in yourself.  Maybe it’s there to remind you that you are strong enough to handle it and whatever comes your way.  I know I often have loads of trouble remember that last one.  During your storm just remember that you are strong and will survive it.  Take this time as a time for renewal of all things in your life.  Do whatever it is that you need to do to help you stay positive and make it through.  Keep saying, “This is a storm and it too shall pass.”  Sound corny as hell, but has helped me stay focus on what it actually is instead of what I think it is.  The sun is up there and it’s waiting to sun on you again.  As in life just as in nature, the sun never leaves.  Before I wasn’t able to see the sun through the clouds, but I never gave up hope that it was still there.  And by keeping that hope close to my heart, that’s how I’m making it through my storm.