No More Downplaying: Period

I have a real issue with acknowledging my achievements and talents in my life.  Self-doubt has always been such a big problem for me.  It’s almost as if I think that I don’t deserve whatever it is I accomplished or my God-given talents.  Take my recent weight loss as a prime example.  I have lost over 30 pounds in the past 11 months.  That’s a big freaking deal by anyone’s standards.  But to me, seeing as though it took me damn near a year to do this, it wasn’t good enough.  My thinking was that I should have lost more in that time.  I belittled all the hard work, sweaty workouts, sore muscles and hours of meal planning I put into the process.  None of that shit was easy or fun to do, trust me.  So why do I continue to do this to myself?  I think it’s because no matter how far I may have come; I always see how far I still have to go.  Even though I have lost over 30 pounds, I tend to mostly focus on the weight I still have left to lose.  For me, this isn’t exclusive for just my weight loss.  This has translated to most of the things I have achieved and to my goals.

I have a tendency to downplay MOST if not all of my accomplishments and talents.  And it’s totally not a, “I’m trying to stay humble” thing. It’s more of a, “I sort of did it, but damn I still have so much farther to go” thing.  See the problem?  Often times I can’t pat myself on the back for doing something that I worked really hard to do.  Some things that even people who know me wish they could have done.  That’s the very thing I have been told a few times by several different people  They say this in regards to my recent weight loss and also about the things that I have written that they have read.  But since I’m nowhere I want to be and in my mind, “still have so far to go” it means almost nothing.  Career-wise, I’m nowhere close to where I want to be either.  My career goal is to be a full-time author.  To be more specific, I want to write fiction books for adults and children.  I have been doing the biggest step of all to achieve this goal and that is to simply write.  The more writing one does, the better they become right?  The negative side of my thinking always says this step isn’t shit if no one has read what I have written. But regardless of how small, it’s bringing me closer to my goal of being on the New York Times Best Sellers List.  I have been writing much more than I have been in the past few years, which is a bit of an achievement in itself.  I have been submitting my poetry to different publications and have gotten published.  That’s a big one because (as per usual in my mind) my work isn’t all that great.  SIDEBAR:  I received my first professional review of a poem I wrote.  The critic wrote that my poem was, “the first piece I return to after a long day of work to find my calm.”   Cool huh?!

For someone who doesn’t know anything about me to say that my poem was one of her top three favorites in the anthology, has to speak to my writing abilities.  I have to really start training my mind to believe and know that I have a talent for writing.  I must start giving myself credit for continuing to go after my dreams.  Whatever effort I’m making (big or small) it is getting me closer and closer to the finish line.  And I should celebrate every victory with an enthusiastic pat on the back.  I am starting to learn to accept the fact that I am the shit for even making a serious effort to accomplish anything.  The person I was a few years ago would never have attempted the things that I have recently. I think that the downplaying I still do sometimes is a bit of the old me that reside inside.  She always has something less than stellar to say.  Who knows, she may always live in the small relics of my mind.  But I can’t let her or anyone else put a damper on my accomplishments, talents, dreams or goals.  Last Thursday I had the pleasure of going to see an R&B band that I love called, “The Internet.”  I had the privilege of getting some sound advice from one of the members named Matt.  I told him that I was a writer and a future New York Times Bestselling author. Speak it into existence right?  I told him that most times I am filled with so much self-doubt I can’t see how I will accomplish my dreams. I also let him know that despite that, I know that I’m a damn good writer.  But that I have trouble remembering that all the time.  He told me that that sort of thing happens to most people, but that I had to keep positive thoughts always.  I have to be my biggest supporter no matter what.  And that I should always know that anything is possible no matter how impossible it may seem.  I knew all those things before he said them to me.  And I have thought them myself before.  But to hear them from someone whom I just met, and is a fellow artist like me put them into a direct perspective this time.  Thank you, Matt, for putting everything back into perspective for me with your wise words.

So what am I going to do to improve this pointless, negative behavior?  I’m going to start focusing on what I actually did to accomplish the goal.  If someone actually compliments me on an achievement I reached or even notices the effort given, I will sincerely take the compliment.  I will start looking at how far I’ve come as opposed to how far I still have to go.  With my writing, I will pay more attention to writing quality blogs people can relate too rather than obsessing about getting my views numbers up.  If I write good stuff and stay consistent, they will come.  It’s all comes down to how I look at things and what I focus on.  If I (and you) continue to look at how far we still have yet to go, then not only are we downplaying our achievements but we are slowing down our progress.  And trying to achieve anything is challenging enough, why add more unnecessary crap to that?  And above all of that, I truly have to remember this:  I AM THE SHIT.  Period.  I’m good at what I do.  Writing is my God-given talent.   And I have been blessed with the strength, drive, and hunger to get anything I want in this life.  So from this moment on, I’ll do my best to only look at how much I have progressed in my journey.  My advice is not to let a setback (or what you perceive as small steps) keep you from patting yourself on the back for a job well done.  Know that you’re doing your best and you too are the shit.  If you don’t think that you’re killing it at working toward your goals, then you won’t be.  And again, who needs that unnecessary crap on their minds?

 

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Clean up the milk and move on…

(Disclaimer- I proofread this thing a dozen times and used an online site to help. If you see any mistakes, I’m only human and not perfect. Thanks for reading!)

If you read last week’s post, then you know that I love listening to a podcast called, “The Read” hosted by Crissle and Kid Fury.  In the episode called, “Cheerleader”, Crissle spoke on her depression, seeing her therapist and the advice given by the therapist.  The therapist compared negative self-talk to running a race. (See last week’s post for full description.)  Crissle’s therapist went on to give an example about forgiving your past mistakes.  Her therapist said, “Let’s say a child spilled a cup of milk.  Are you going to every time you see that child, every day for the rest of their life be like, remember the time when you were 5 and 38 days and you spilled milk?  And I had to use three of my good Bounty’s to clean it up?  And replace my eight ounces of milk.  Are you going to drag that baby for that?  Or are we going to clean up the milk and move on with our fucking lives?”  From that moment on, Crissle decided that she had to clean up the milk in her life.  She would stop blaming herself non-stop and start looking forward again. Bam!  It hit me like a ton of bricks!  Is that what I have been doing the majority of my adult life?  Bitching over milk I spilled when I was young, naive and didn’t know any better.  Constantly berating myself over and over for situations that no longer exist and couldn’t be changed anyway.  Being my own biggest critic/ hater has always been a real hotbed issue for me.  After hearing the example that Crissle’s therapist gave her, I fully comprehend what my problem has been.  I have a lack of compassion for myself.  Isn’t that a fucked up thing to find out about yourself.

My understanding and heart is always so large for others.  I am able to fully support others with mistakes they have made in the past with my encouraging words.  But when it comes to having those same words for myself, there’s been little to none.  It is as if I don’t allow myself space to make mistakes or bad decisions.  For some reason, that is not allowed in my world.  For me, it’s not so much that I’m trying to be perfect.  I know this will never happen.  And that is completely all right with me.  Trying to be perfect, looks like a lot of work that I simply wouldn’t be dedicated to doing.  So where does my lack of self-compassion stem from?  Why is it that I can be so kind and uplifting for others, but not myself?  I am very skilled at stopping someone from beating themselves up.  I’m also very good at telling someone to have more patience with themselves and quick to say, “Everyone makes mistakes.”  Sometimes I can see the potential in others way more than I can see it in myself.  I have given myself far too much cruel kindness.  That is clearly something I would never do to another person.  Maybe I thought I was helping myself by giving cruel kindness.  By reminding myself of unpleasant situations I have been through, this would somehow help me to never to make those mistakes again.  By constantly replaying situations and poor choices, I would somehow learn to never do it again.  I found that this is unacceptable behavior and an oxymoron that simply makes no sense.  So what are the steps I plan on doing to change this behavior?

Step 1- Acknowledge that I am not compassion with myself.  Seems easy enough right?  But until one can admit to themselves that they have a problem, the situation can’t be fixed.

Step 2- Accept that mistakes have been made.  I’m human and humans make mistakes.  Some of the mistakes I made were necessary in order for me to learn and grow.  They taught me to make better choices and to listen to my gut.  Without making certain mistakes, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today.  And right now, I think I’m pretty awesome.  🙂

Step 3- Change the thought.  When NENE just won’t seem to shut her negative pie hole, I have to quickly remind myself of how awesome I am.  I begin to think of all the accomplishments that I have made over the years.  I will speak positive affirmations that prompt my brain to go down a more optimistic path.

Step 4- Forgive myself. This one will truly be the hardest to do of all the steps. I’ll have to learn that I’m still a good, smart person, who has flaws. No more or less than anyone else, just flaws. My past choices or decisions do not dictate how much I have grown. They also don’t determine my future. I will give myself a pep talk when I think of a mistake and move on. I will not dwell on choices and things in the past that can’t be changed.

As long as I’m walking the Earth, I will make mistakes.  It’s an important fact of life that I must remember.  I will acknowledge when I have done so, learn from said mistake, forgive myself and move on.  Because I’m tired of beating myself up over old, spilled milk.

How Are You Running Your Race?

(Disclaimer- I proofread this thing a dozen times and used an online site to help. If you see any mistakes, oh well, I’m only human. Thanks for reading!)
A little over a month ago I was listening to one of my favorite podcast called, “The Read” hosted by Kid Fury and Crissle.  The episode is called, “Cheerleading” and in it, Crissle talks about her history of depression and negative self-talk.  She said something that her therapist told her that made her take a serious look at how she speaks to herself.  And after hearing it, it also made me take a look at how I speak to myself?  Her therapist said to her, “Picture life like a race. And one person is beaten along the path.  Like someone is whipping at their back. Chastising them and telling them all the ways that they suck.  And they’re moving forward trying to be motivated by the negativity.  And the other person has cheerleaders in the distance who are rooting for them and encouraging them to keep going.  And when they fall saying, ‘That’s fine.  You know we all stumble sometimes.  Just get back up, dust your knees off and keep going at it.’  And you can choose how you’re going to talk to yourself through life.  Are you going to beat yourself through it?  Or are you going to cheerlead yourself through it?”  Crissle said as soon as her therapist told her that, she began to change the way that she spoke to herself.

I know for an absolute fact that most times I am not kind to myself.  My words can be harsh, rude, mean and downright disrespectful.  Sometimes so that the things that I say to myself I wouldn’t dare allow anyone to say to me.  So why is it ok that I say those things to myself?  Ideally, I know that it’s not.  But that doesn’t stop me from constantly doing it.  At one point the negative self-talk was loud and often, it became the only self-language I knew.  I have come a long way from the constant beating myself up.  But I still have a tendency of whipping my own back instead of rooting myself on in this race called life.  My problem is I’m often living the past or worried about the future.  Neither of which is mentally healthy for me to do.  One reason is that I can’t seem to forgive or forget my past mistakes.  The second reason is that I’m not presently where I want to be in life, and I worry I’ll never get there.

My negative self-talk appears to come from my own vision of lack and comparison.  Since I don’t have the things that I want, all I see is lack.  Here’s how it usually goes:  “I’m not currently working as a full-time writer because I lack the skills needed in order to achieve that.  I’m single because I lack the beauty it takes to draw someone’s interests.  I’ll never move ahead in life because I made that awful decision five years ago.”  You get the idea.  The comparison comes from looking at what everyone else is doing instead of looking directly at my own path.  I’m watching how everyone else is performing in their race of life and that slows me down.  I get slowed down because I think I should be where they are in life.  Often times I forget the fact that everyone runs at their own pace. So where does the negative self-talk, my vision of lack and compassion get me?  The short answer is:  NOWHERE.  And who the hell wants to stay there?

After hearing Crissle give the race example that her therapist gave her, it really made me want to change my internal dialogue.  I want to cheer myself on the way I would cheer for others.  I’m a fantastic cheerleader for everyone else.  Why shouldn’t I do the same for myself?  Learning to not beat myself up will surely be an everyday struggle.  This isn’t something that will suddenly stop overnight.  I will probably have to work hard each and every day to see the good in myself.  I can do this by learning to ignore those things I don’t see as being “good enough.”  For every discouraging thought that comes across my mind, I will quickly follow it up with something I love about myself.  I will keep my eyes on my own journey and pace, and not worry so much about what others are doing.  And not comparing my speed to theirs.  Knowing that comparison only serves to injure me in my own race.  Daily, I will think of a least three things I like about myself or that I’m good at.  This will serve as the encouragement that I need to hit the finish line. I want to run a strong race, with all the strength that I can muster.  I must learn to not be my biggest adversary.  And become my biggest supporter, encourager and overall best friend.  Because after all I am the one running this race, and this race I fully intend to win.

Late To The Game or Early To A Breakthrough?

I always thought that by the time I made it to the age I currently am, I would be a lot further along in my life’s journey than I am.  I also thought that I would have all my shit together by now as well.  Fun fact:  I have been proven wrong on both points.  The fact that neither of those things is true, bruises my ego a little on a daily basis.  So much so that I’m actually a little embarrassed to even admit it.  But I never hold back the truth on this blog, so there it is for the world to read.  I thought that I would be further along because I thought I knew what I wanted at a young age.  At 18, I wanted to move to New York City, go to the Fashion Institute of Technology, graduate and become a world-famous designer.  By the time I turned 25, the only thing that I still wanted was still to move to New York City.  Now I really don’t want any of the things I did at 18 or 25.  I decided to go back to college in 2010 to study Journalism under the guise that I would become a Fashion Journalist.  Since I know longer wanted to make clothes, I wanted to write about other making them.  A little more than halfway through my studies, I took a creative writing class as a filler for a semester.  After two months in the class, I had made a big career change.  I no longer wanted to be a Fashion Journalist, I wanted to be a writer.  But not just a writer, oh no that’s too small of a dream for me.  I wanted to be a New York Times Bestselling author.  Hell, why not?  The thing that gets me (aka pisses me off a bit) is why couldn’t I have figured all of this out at 18, 25 or hell even 30 years old?!  And now instead of NYC calling my heart, California seems to be calling my name more and more. But I digress.

Eventually, I had to step back, do some serious inventory and think about it.  Why exactly aren’t I where I thought I would be?  And why aren’t I where I think I should be?  For me, the answer wasn’t crystal clear at first.  After a few years of reading different self-help books and listening to positive podcast, it finally hit me.  My mindset wasn’t right for the goals and dreams I had for myself.  How can I expect to be somewhere more positive than I am if my mindset isn’t on the same page?  Impossible.  It took years of growing pains, long conversations with people, late nights of reading, prayer, and meditation to finally get it.  I also think part of the reason why I’m not where I thought (or would like) to be is that what I want has changed.  And more importantly than that, I have changed. My self-confidence is stronger than it has ever been at any point in my life.  And I work daily to strengthen it more than the day before.  My career goals are truer to who I am now.  My focus, drive, and desire for what I want are on warp speed.  Now if I could only stop wasting time and energy beating myself up about the slow start. (Insert emoji with the lady with the hand over her face here)

Now I’ll be candid here, my mindset isn’t always 100% completely aligned with my goals. When I say this I mean that there are days when the New York Times Bestsellers List seems like nothing more than a pipe dream.  And then there are days when I think something I’ve written is worthy of a Pulitzer Prize.  Ok, that’s a bit of a stretch, but you see where I’m going with this.  If my mindset isn’t completely aligned with my goals, then my goals won’t come to flourishing.  Since what I want hasn’t appeared in my life, then I would beat myself up about not achieving that goal.  Never.  Ending.  Cycle.  Good news: I finally figured this out.  Bad news (sort of):  Trying to figure out how change this destructive, non-productive pattern of behavior.  I have learned that when I try to do too much at one time, I freak out and then fail miserably.  So I take baby steps, my friend.  Baby steps.  It started by acknowledging that there was a change that needed to happen within me first.  That’s usually the hardest thing to do.  Honestly, it sucked that my change had to take so long to manifest, but it was necessary in order to grow strong enough to go after my goals.  Once I knew that I had to change, then I figured out the how.

Instead of the constant complaining to anyone who would listen to my whining, I started having actual conversations.  Meaning I would talk about what I wasn’t happy about, but I would actually listen to the feedback I was given in return.  Not only would I listen, I would give a significant amount of time to what the person said.  And then from there, I would apply the advice to help improve myself and my life.  As I stated earlier, I started reading books about mindset and positive thinking. I started with a book called, “The Secret.”  I know some people have issues with this book, but it helped me tremendously.  It helped me learn to see the glass as half full instead of half empty like how I was raised to see it.  It always taught me to be more grateful for all the things I have in my life.  With gratitude comes a better attitude. So corny, but so true.  I listened (and still do) to positive, motivating podcast as well.  Some of my favorites are The Marie Forleo Podcast, The Lavendaire Lifestyle, and The GaryVee Audio Experience.  Really love Gary Vee because it keeps it real, tells the truth and doesn’t sugar coat shit.  And someone like me appreciates that.  I surround myself with as many positive people as I can.  And the funny thing is, I have met some great amazing people online who have helped me to be more positive as well.  I try to avoid as many negative people as possible.  But sometimes that’s hard when it’s a family member, a friend or maybe even a co-worker.  I just keep my conversations with them to a minimum.  It’s the only way I can survive.  And I think the most important that I’m learning to do (and working on daily) is forgiving myself.  Forgiving myself for past mistakes, ideas, attitudes, actions, and non-actions.  I have this terrible tendency of living in the past and replaying mistakes in my mind.  I am learning to work through that, and let it go.  Nothing I can do about it now, it’s over.  The only thing I can do is learn and grow from it.  So even though I may not be exactly where I thought I would be.  Or even have my shit together, I’m still here fighting the good fight.  I’m not giving up on my dreams or myself.  Clearly, I’m still here for a reason.  And I’ll do everything I can to make sure that that reason is fulfilled.

Restlessness = Equals No Progess

According to the definition restlessness means, “a lack of patience; irritation with anything that causes delay.  Inability to rest, relax or be still.”  So far for the better part of 2018, the above definition has fit me perfectly.  All day, every day the same relentless feeling.  I don’t know exactly what prompted this feeling to begin.  But I think I may have figured out why it has continued.  My severe lack of belief, trusting the process and my patience.  My belief in knowing that I’m a great writer who is improving all the time. Knowing that my dreams and goals are coming true.  And the patience to know that all the above things are true, real and happening now.  I get into this never-ending cycle that I haven’t quite figured out how to completely stop.  I’ll get all gun-ho excited about something new.  Building a new positive habit, writing out future goals to work at, starting a new exercise routine, etc.  And it goes well for a few weeks, maybe even a month or more.  Then it’s like I hit that wall of self-doubt and impatience.  That in turns leads to me hitting that wall of restlessness.  BANG!  And I just sit there in a messed-up car and state of mind for what seems like forever.  No telling how long it takes but eventually, I’m able to open the door.  Step out of the car and walk away from the wreckage.  Only to open the door to the new car, sit down, buckle the seat belt and slowly approach a new wall to hit.  Smh….  When the restlessness sets in, I could be down for weeks.  But I don’t want too.  Who would?  I want to be up!  So how do I work to get back up there?

I realized that I was off balanced and not centered at all.  That’s the best way for me to describe how I was feeling.  I reached out to members of this group I belong to on Facebook called, “The Baby Elephant Group.”  It’s a group where people come together to share all things positive.  I have found a person in the group that I’ve really connected with a lot.  She always has a positive word of advice, encouragement or a helpful tip for me.  She basically told me that I must keep the faith that the universe is working in my favor at all times.  To think negative is to receive negative.  She told me that I was feeling off balanced because I wasn’t connecting to my higher self.  Meaning I was basically losing focus on what I wanted to achieve, and the time spent working toward those goals. I spent too much time looking at what was currently around me instead of visualizing my future that is already set in stone.  I have a tendency of letting my current surroundings get to me, especially because I often feel things are progressing fast enough for my taste.  After speaking with her, I decided to reconnect with myself.

I took inventory on things that I used to do, that I slowly over time stopped doing.   I began writing out my feelings about what I was going through in my journal.  Yes, I still keep a journal.  Try it, it works wonders.  I turned off the television (which truth be told I do love) and read more books.  I listened to more positive podcast that were speaking on becoming more centered and goal focused.  I started meditating again before bed.  I tend to do it before bed because it helps me relax and sleep better.  And the biggest thing of all, I began to focus more on feeling happy.  Even though I may not be exactly where I want to be in life, I can be happy with what I have overcome to get to this point.  I’m closer now to my dreams then I have ever been in my life before.  And to know that feels awesome.  If you come to a crossroad where you feel lost, unbalanced, unfocused or stuck, try a few of the things that I do.  Or find whatever could possibly work for you. Just remember that it’s totally ok to feel the way you feel.  You are after all human and we all filled emotions. But know that if you fall off track with your goals, feelings of positivity or forming a new habit, you can start anew.  Just get out of your wrecked car, hop in the new one, buckle your seat belt and know that this new ride will be smooth sailing from here on out.  Trust the process and enjoy the ride.

Downplaying your accomplishments: Stop that shit

I have a really big issue with accepting my achievements in life.  I’m not exactly sure why this has become such a big problem for me.  It’s almost as if I think that I don’t deserve whatever it is I accomplished.  Take my recent weight loss.  I have lost 32 pounds in the past 11 months.  Now that’s a big freaking deal by anyone’s standards. But to me seeing as though it took me damn near a year to do this, it wasn’t good enough.  I have gained, lost, gained and then lost again.  I belittled all my hard work, sweaty workouts, sore muscles and hours of meal planning.  None of that shit was easy nor fun, trust me. So why do I continue to do this to myself?  I think it’s because no matter how far I may have come, I always see how far I still have to go.  Even though I have lost 32 pounds, I tend to mostly focus on the weight I still have left to lose.  For me, this isn’t exclusive for just my weight loss. This has translated to most of the things I have achieved.

I have a tendency to downplay MOST if not all of my accomplishments.  And it’s totally not a, “I’m trying to stay humble” thing. It’s more of a, “I sort of did it, but damn I still have so much more ahead of me to do.”  See the problem?  Often times I can’t pat myself on the back for doing something that I worked really hard to do.  Some things that even people who know me wish they had done.  That very thing I have been told a few times by several different people regarding my recent weight loss.  But since I’m not where I want to be and in my mind, “still have so far to go” it means almost nothing.  Career-wise, I’m nowhere close to where I want to be either.  But I can honestly say I’m damn sure not as far as I used to be.  I have been taking steps that are putting me toward the right direction.  The negative side of me always says that these are small steps, nothing major.  Regardless it’s bringing me closer to my goal of being a full time writer and a New York Times Best Seller.  I have been writing much more than I have been in the past few years, which is a bit of a goal in itself.  I have been submitting my poetry to different publications and have gotten published.  That’s a big one because (as per usual in the small part of my mind) my work isn’t all that great.  SIDEBAR: I received my first professional review on a poem I wrote. She said that my poem was the first piece she returns to after a long day of work to find her calm. Cool right?!

For someone who doesn’t know anything about me to say that my poem was basically one of her top three favorites in the anthology, has to speak to my writing abilities.  I had to really start training my mind to believe and know that I have talent.  I had to start giving myself credit for continuing to go after and achieve my goals.  Whatever effort I’m making (big or small) it is getting me closer and closer to the finish line.  And I should celebrate every victory with enthusiasm.  I started learning to accept the fact that I am the shit for even making a serious effort to accomplish anything.  I’m doing something currently that the old me would have never attempted.  And I’m kicking ass at it.  Slowly, but hell I’m still doing it.  I think that the self-downplaying I do is still a bit of the old me that lives inside.  She’s always got something less than stellar to say.  Who knows, she may always live in the small relic part of my mind.  But I can’t let her or anyone else put a damper on my accomplishments.

So how do I do this?  I do this by mainly focusing on what I actually did to accomplish the goal.  The step by step process that I did to make it happen.  If someone actually compliments me on a goal I reached or even notices the effort given, I sincerely take the compliment.  If someone else notices something I’m doing, then I have to be doing good right?  Yes, I am.  So I hold onto that as tightly as possible.  I also look at how far I’ve come as oppose to how far I still have to go.  With the weight, I can’t exactly see the difference physical yet, but I can feel the difference.  Worse come to worse, the scale lets me know I’ve made progress in my weight loss goals.  With my writing career, I pay more attention to writing quality blogs people can relate too rather than obsessing about getting my audience numbers up.  If I write good stuff and stay consistent, they will come.  It’s all comes down to how you look at things and what you focus on.  If I (and you) continue to look at how far we still have yet to go, then not only are we downplaying our goals but we are slowly down our progress.  And trying to achieve anything is challenging enough, why add more unnecessary crap to that?  And above all of that I truly had to remember this:  I AM THE SHIT. Period.  I’m good at what I do. Writing is my God-given talent.  And I have been blessed with the strength, drive and hunger to get anything I want in this life.  So from this moment on, do your best to only look at how much you have progressed in your journey. Don’t let a setback (or what you perceive as small steps) keep you from patting yourself on the back for a job well done.  Know that you’re doing your best and you too are the shit.  If you don’t think that you’re killing it at working toward your goals, then you won’t be.  And again, who needs that unnecessary crap on their minds?

Standing on my own

Have you ever had a person in your life (family or friend) that you may have depended on too much for too long?  Whether it be emotional, physically or financially.  And as result of this, the person now feels as if they can say anything they want to you.  Never taking into account how it may make you feel.  You may let things slide because this person has helped you a lot in the past or currently is.  Maybe you deal with it because you never know when you may need their help in the future.  So why burn bridges?  Or maybe you just deal with it to overall keep the peace.  What are a few negative words thrown your way right?  I realized the other day that I am currently in a situation like this with two important people in my life.  Although these two people mean a great deal to me, I now recognize that they have both become not healthy for my mental, spiritual or physical growth.  Let me explain…..

These two individuals are negative toward me in different ways.  Person A, has been negative the majority of my life, so their negativity was discovered early on.  But as Person B has gotten older (and I started to change my view of life to more of a positive one), their pessimistic side has emerged more.  I feel like this has to be said: Life with Person A and B hasn’t been entirely bad.  I can readily admit that I grew up wanting for nothing and that’s because of these two people.  And for that, I am truly grateful for that. To be honest, it’s kind of not their fault that things are the way that they are.  The fault lies with me and me only.  Over the course of my life, I’ve allowed myself to get way too comfortable in being taking care of.  I may not have always needed them to directly take care of me, but I knew that if something went down I could always run to one of them to help.  But getting their help usually comes at a hefty price.  And that price is my sanity.  In order to get the respect that I want, I have to begin to present myself like I deserve it. The conclusion is that it is truly, truly time to get my shit together.  Time to stop depending on others and to start depending on myself. I need to step out on my own and find my way in this world….. Alone.  My first step is to work harder in attaining my own independence. If that requires me to work extra jobs, so be it.  If it requires me to move far away, so be it.  If it requires me to spend more time alone to find inner peace, then so be it.  This will feel extremely different and at times could be seriously hard.  But it is important to my overall growth as a person in working to become the person that I want to be.  How is anyone ever going to respect me if I don’t live a life worth respecting?