Who am I?

(Disclaimer- I proofread this thing a dozen times and used an online site to help.  If you see mistakes, oh well, I’m only human.  Thanks.)

Last week I found out that I’m going to have to have surgery.  It’s the kind of surgery that women pray they never have to go through.  Especially if they wanted children.  To hear the news from the doctor was devastating at first.  But not for the reason it would be for a woman my age who is childless.  See, having a child was never really in my life’s plan.  I always said I never wanted children because I didn’t like them.  But as the years went on, I came to find out that that was not true.  After working as a Teacher Assistant (a job I fell into) I had a vivid realization.  I freaking love kids!  Ages 3 to 5 is my favorite group to work with.  But I also find enjoyment in working with older kids as well.  I say all this to say:  Getting pregnant was never on my to-do list.  When I found out where babies came from as a young child, the appeal or desire died that day.  (Insert laughing emoji here)  Seriously though, I thought I would never be a mother.  And honestly, I’m ok with that.  I figured that if the universe wanted me to be a mom, then a child would be sent via adoption.  So to find out that this surgery might possibly remove any chance for me to become a mother biologically, made me feel weird.  Even though as I stated I had no plans for this.  Several questions I never had to think about before popped into my mind as well.  What would I feel like afterward?  How big will the scar be?  Will this completely kill my sex drive?  And most importantly:  Will I feel less like a woman?

The last question really got me to thinking about how I truly viewed myself.  Why have I tied up my womanhood in my reproductive system?  Just because my body can hold life within it, am I not less than because mine may not be able too anymore?  After pondering this, I came to a resounding answer.  Hell no!  Regardless of the outcome of my situation, I will still be who I have always been.  Me.  Yes, this will be a big change. Yes, this will take some adjustment on my part to get used too.  And yes, my mind and body will need time to heal.  But this change is necessary for my well-being and health.

Why do we sometimes began to feel less than ourselves when a sudden change occurs in life?  I’m sure there are people who have worked in a certain field for years and then lost that position.  Now they don’t know who they are if they can’t be that (fill in the blank) they were for 20 years.  There are people who have been in relationships for so long that when it ended, they didn’t recognize themselves anymore.  They have questioned who they were without this person in their life.  Often times when life comes to shake things up, sometimes we start questioning who we are.  I say all this to say, that sometimes we hold onto the idea of who and what we are based on exterior things.  Or even worse, what society dictates what we should be.  Both are destructive behaviors that we must diminish from our lives.  Knowing that I have to have this surgery made me look at myself in a different light.  Which definitely was not healthy for me mentally.  This is a change I that I never actually thought I would have to go through.  But this is happening so I must accept it.  I finally remembered that who I am isn’t wrapped up in my body and what it can and cannot do.  That actualization gave me a sense of freedom.  Freedom in knowing that I’m still the same woman I’ve always been.  If not stronger for actually having to go through this.  And with any other future dramatic life change, I will always remember who I am.  Strong, brave, smart, funny, kind, big-hearted, loyal and a positive thinker.  And truly that’s all that matters.

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I Chose Me…..

Recently I was seeing someone that I had grown very fond of.  We seem to hit it off really well from the beginning.  At least from my perspective, we did.  I really, really liked this person a lot.  They were funny, passionate about pursuing their career, driven, kind and positive.  I really enjoyed spending time with them and couldn’t wait to receive a call or text from them.  That…..was in the beginning.  Toward the end of our “situation”, I use the word situation because this person was uncomfortable with the word relationship. That should have been a red flag for me right there, but I digress.  Toward the end, this person’s whole demeanor begin to change from the person that I met in the beginning.  I believe I met their representative and not the real, honest them.  They became more down on a daily basis when I would speak to them.  There were things going on in this person’s life that I knew about and I’m sure a lot that I didn’t.  But I would always try my best to let them know that I was there to listen if they needed an ear.  With their mood becoming more and more down, this made them more irritable.  And I became the lucky recipient of this.  The conversations (and face to face interactions) would usually start off good.  Then seemly out of nowhere, their tone would change because of something I said. And at times, something I DID’T say.  Figure that one out because I never could.  They couldn’t always explain to me what I did (or didn’t do) that would piss them off.  This person did acknowledge the fact that they knew they were the problem.  They told me numerous times that they believed they had a problem communicating with others.  And that I wasn’t my fault. I was a good person.  Here’s where my confusion lies.  In one breath they say that they are the problem and in the next, they are yelling at me that I’m pissed them off again.  Huh?

Have you ever had someone in your life like this?  Unfortunately, this wasn’t my first encounter with someone like this.  That’s why it was so easy for me to recognize this behavior so quickly.  But despite that, I didn’t want to stop seeing this person.  I genuinely like them and I knew (and still know) that they are a genuinely good person.  I began to care about their well-being, their day and them as a whole.  I tried to let them know that I was there to listen to them whenever they needed to talk.  There were romantic feelings for this person, but above all that I was trying to be their friend.  But despite all of that of my efforts, I was still the bad guy.  Still the problem.  This person told me that they felt I wasn’t listening to them.  That’s all I ever did, but they couldn’t see that.  This “situation” ended with both parties yelling at one another.  And with me saying something out of sheer frustration that took me out of my character.  I was quite saddened that this “situation” ended because as I said I had grown really fond of them. But more importantly, I was upset with myself for allowing this person to pull me down to a negative level.  I work too hard on a daily basis to stay positive and see the light.  In hindsight, maybe this should have ended way before it did.  But I gave it time because this was very new and we were still getting to know each other.  And I stated before, I liked them.

When you care about a person, you’re willing to put up with a lot of shit in the hopes that they will change.  You hope that things will change for the better.  And that the person will realize how much you care about them and how their words hurt.  At some point, one has to ask themselves a serious question.  Do I like the way this person treats me more than I like myself?  For me the answer was simple:  HELL NO.  It got to a point with this person (and others I found myself in a similar situation with) that I had to make a choice.  Continue this “situation” that sometimes leaves me drained and feeling bad or bounce?  I chose the latter.  Instead of focusing on the good times, I had to focus on the bad ones.  The reasons that it couldn’t work out the way I wanted.  Their yelling, my hurt feelings, the miscommunications.  The time they called me a jerk for making what I thought was a cute comment.  And their constant pulling me close then pushing me away.  Those things outweighed the good and the strong feelings that I had developed for this person.  So despite my not really wanting it to, it had to end.  I will say that meeting this person wasn’t all bad for me.  They helped me to learn more about myself.  I learned more about my likes and dislikes, what I’ll put up with, what kind of relationship I want to have and how I’ve become a more positive person.  So for those reasons, I can say I am grateful.

If you find yourself in a similar situation with someone (friend, family member or spouse), remember that they don’t have the right to make you feel that their mood is your problem.  It’s a personal problem that they themselves need to work through.  If you know that whatever is going on with them has zero to do with you, do your best not to take their behavior personally.  Don’t allow yourself to be a person’s emotional punching bag.  Now I understand in some circumstances it isn’t always so easy to walk away. In those instances, have a conversation with the person.  Communication is key.  Be clear about what you want, how you feel and why.  This process will take some time. Especially if the person in question isn’t good at letting you know exactly how and why they feel the way they do.  Listen and let them know that you are listening.  Let them know that you do see them.  Most times people just want to feel that they are being heard and that someone cares.  In my case, I was listening and I cared, but I didn’t feel the same from them.  But if it gets to the point where talking it out and giving it time changes nothing…..Bounce.  Choose your happiness.  Choose your positivity.  Choose your well-being.  And most importantly, choose yourself.

ESP: Energy Sucking People

Have you ever been around someone that as soon as they appear, a large portion of your energy is drained?  I have.  And to be honest, I have been that person.  But here’s the thing:  I didn’t realize that I was doing it.  I think most ESP’s (Energy Sucking People) never realize that’s what they are doing.  As a former ESP, I can say I never knew it.  I thought I was doing one of the following instead.  I believed I was keeping it real (aka being honest) or looking for advice with my venting.  Turns out the “keeping it real” wasn’t always so good.  When I thought I was being “helpful”, I was actually being hurtful.  And the “looking for advice with my venting” was actually just whining.  I just wanted to talk about all the bad in my life because I was looking for sympathy and agreement.  And the minute I felt like you didn’t agree with me, the conversation was over in my mind.  ESP’s often times just want to know that you are feeling the same way that they are.  The last thing a ESP wants to hear is that life is going well for you.  As I stated earlier, I don’t believe that this behavior is intentionally done by all of them.  But there is a small portion of them that like to know that they are not alone in their misery.

For me, it wasn’t that I wanted everyone to be unhappy or down because I was.  But I did take some solace in knowing that I wasn’t the only one whose life wasn’t going as planned.  The other kind of ESP is the one who doesn’t know that they drain the life out of any situation with their presence.  They have been an ESP so long that it just second nature for them.  It has become ingrained in who they are.  (Raises hand slowly)  When I was an ESP, I couldn’t identify that my lack of positive energy was draining those around me.  That by my talking (aka constant complaining) about my circumstances, I was zapping away their energy.  I didn’t know that I wasn’t getting invited to hangout as much anymore because people wanted to limit their time around me.  By the time I finally did, I couldn’t believe those people stayed around me as long as they did in the first place.  Many said that they stayed around because they knew I was a good person and that they loved me.  (Insert crying emoji here)

As a former ESP, I can now identify an ESP probably quicker than the average person. And when I do I have to ask myself a few questions.  Why?  Why do I continue to talk to this person?  Why do I keep them around?  Some of the ESP’s in my life, unfortunately, are family members.  Truth be told I have zero problems distancing myself from family members that I don’t gel with.  But when they are immediate members that can be harder to do.  Here’s how I handle the ESP’s in my life.

1.) Focus on my happy.  I have one ESP that as soon as I see or hear them, my vibe can be lowered just like that.  I feel the lowering of my vibration, acknowledge it, and find something to be happy or grateful for.  It could be something as a simple as, “My hair looks really good today.  These curls are popping!”  Find something to bring you vibes back up where they belong.

2.) Venting Time Limits.  Everyone needs to let off some verbal steam from time to time. But a person’s steam starts to burn my skin:  I CUT THAT SHIT SHORT.  If they keep coming to me with the same stuff all the time with no sort of change:  I cut that shit short. If when I’m done listening to them I have a headache, my mood is down AND I feel I need a drink……(Say it with me)  I CUT THAT SHIT SHORT.  It’s ok to be there for the people you love and care about especially when they are going through something heavy, they need you.  But make sure to not let them ALL your energy while doing so.

3.) Don’t take their energy personally.  This one can be tricky because my first thought when someone is coming to be with an attitude is I did something to them.  Or when I try to give advice on things I do when I feel the same, they totally dismiss it.  Or worse than that, they lash out.  It’s taking me a while (because as much as I don’t want to admit it) I can be a bit sensitive.  I learned that their shit is their shit.  That their energy is their energy.  That their feelings and opinions are their feelings and opinions.  And that NONE of that has any bearing on how I should feel in my own life or energy space.

So if you find yourself around an ESP, just let them be who they are going to be.  And try not to let their low energy take away from your high vibrations.

Late To The Game or Early To A Breakthrough?

I always thought that by the time I made it to the age I currently am, I would be a lot further along in my life’s journey than I am.  I also thought that I would have all my shit together by now as well.  Fun fact:  I have been proven wrong on both points.  The fact that neither of those things is true, bruises my ego a little on a daily basis.  So much so that I’m actually a little embarrassed to even admit it.  But I never hold back the truth on this blog, so there it is for the world to read.  I thought that I would be further along because I thought I knew what I wanted at a young age.  At 18, I wanted to move to New York City, go to the Fashion Institute of Technology, graduate and become a world-famous designer.  By the time I turned 25, the only thing that I still wanted was still to move to New York City.  Now I really don’t want any of the things I did at 18 or 25.  I decided to go back to college in 2010 to study Journalism under the guise that I would become a Fashion Journalist.  Since I know longer wanted to make clothes, I wanted to write about other making them.  A little more than halfway through my studies, I took a creative writing class as a filler for a semester.  After two months in the class, I had made a big career change.  I no longer wanted to be a Fashion Journalist, I wanted to be a writer.  But not just a writer, oh no that’s too small of a dream for me.  I wanted to be a New York Times Bestselling author.  Hell, why not?  The thing that gets me (aka pisses me off a bit) is why couldn’t I have figured all of this out at 18, 25 or hell even 30 years old?!  And now instead of NYC calling my heart, California seems to be calling my name more and more. But I digress.

Eventually, I had to step back, do some serious inventory and think about it.  Why exactly aren’t I where I thought I would be?  And why aren’t I where I think I should be?  For me, the answer wasn’t crystal clear at first.  After a few years of reading different self-help books and listening to positive podcast, it finally hit me.  My mindset wasn’t right for the goals and dreams I had for myself.  How can I expect to be somewhere more positive than I am if my mindset isn’t on the same page?  Impossible.  It took years of growing pains, long conversations with people, late nights of reading, prayer, and meditation to finally get it.  I also think part of the reason why I’m not where I thought (or would like) to be is that what I want has changed.  And more importantly than that, I have changed. My self-confidence is stronger than it has ever been at any point in my life.  And I work daily to strengthen it more than the day before.  My career goals are truer to who I am now.  My focus, drive, and desire for what I want are on warp speed.  Now if I could only stop wasting time and energy beating myself up about the slow start. (Insert emoji with the lady with the hand over her face here)

Now I’ll be candid here, my mindset isn’t always 100% completely aligned with my goals. When I say this I mean that there are days when the New York Times Bestsellers List seems like nothing more than a pipe dream.  And then there are days when I think something I’ve written is worthy of a Pulitzer Prize.  Ok, that’s a bit of a stretch, but you see where I’m going with this.  If my mindset isn’t completely aligned with my goals, then my goals won’t come to flourishing.  Since what I want hasn’t appeared in my life, then I would beat myself up about not achieving that goal.  Never.  Ending.  Cycle.  Good news: I finally figured this out.  Bad news (sort of):  Trying to figure out how change this destructive, non-productive pattern of behavior.  I have learned that when I try to do too much at one time, I freak out and then fail miserably.  So I take baby steps, my friend.  Baby steps.  It started by acknowledging that there was a change that needed to happen within me first.  That’s usually the hardest thing to do.  Honestly, it sucked that my change had to take so long to manifest, but it was necessary in order to grow strong enough to go after my goals.  Once I knew that I had to change, then I figured out the how.

Instead of the constant complaining to anyone who would listen to my whining, I started having actual conversations.  Meaning I would talk about what I wasn’t happy about, but I would actually listen to the feedback I was given in return.  Not only would I listen, I would give a significant amount of time to what the person said.  And then from there, I would apply the advice to help improve myself and my life.  As I stated earlier, I started reading books about mindset and positive thinking. I started with a book called, “The Secret.”  I know some people have issues with this book, but it helped me tremendously.  It helped me learn to see the glass as half full instead of half empty like how I was raised to see it.  It always taught me to be more grateful for all the things I have in my life.  With gratitude comes a better attitude. So corny, but so true.  I listened (and still do) to positive, motivating podcast as well.  Some of my favorites are The Marie Forleo Podcast, The Lavendaire Lifestyle, and The GaryVee Audio Experience.  Really love Gary Vee because it keeps it real, tells the truth and doesn’t sugar coat shit.  And someone like me appreciates that.  I surround myself with as many positive people as I can.  And the funny thing is, I have met some great amazing people online who have helped me to be more positive as well.  I try to avoid as many negative people as possible.  But sometimes that’s hard when it’s a family member, a friend or maybe even a co-worker.  I just keep my conversations with them to a minimum.  It’s the only way I can survive.  And I think the most important that I’m learning to do (and working on daily) is forgiving myself.  Forgiving myself for past mistakes, ideas, attitudes, actions, and non-actions.  I have this terrible tendency of living in the past and replaying mistakes in my mind.  I am learning to work through that, and let it go.  Nothing I can do about it now, it’s over.  The only thing I can do is learn and grow from it.  So even though I may not be exactly where I thought I would be.  Or even have my shit together, I’m still here fighting the good fight.  I’m not giving up on my dreams or myself.  Clearly, I’m still here for a reason.  And I’ll do everything I can to make sure that that reason is fulfilled.

Self Confidence: Work That Muscle

I was recently watching a movie called, “House Party 2” which is about one of the main characters nicknamed Kid going off to college. At one point in the film Kid, while studying, reads a quote from Marcus Garvey. The quote goes as follows: “If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started.”
Now I have seen this film on numerous occasions, which means I have heard this quote before. But this time it stood out to me more than it ever had before. I had to rewind that scene in order to write down the quote the second I heard it. Then I had to really give some serious thought to what Mr. Garvey was saying. You have no confidence, you’re basically already losing. Damn…… That kind of hurt a little when I really meditated on that.
I can readily admit that since I was a teenager, having self-confidence has been a constant struggle. Whether I was struggling to believe I could learn a new skill or the ones I already had were good, or that my physical appearance would attract the person I liked, it has been an ongoing thing. Here I am 20 years later and many of those thoughts still linger within my mind. It’s an ongoing battle between who I “think” I am versus who I want to ultimately become. Sometimes the distance between the two can be as far as from Earth to Pluto. And my self-confidence spaceship doesn’t have enough fuel or power to get me to the distance dwarf planet.  I have learned after reading many self-help books, listening to self-help podcast and watching motivational speakers on YouTube that self-confidence is, in fact, a muscle.  And that muscle must be worked out daily in order to get stronger and grow.  Did you hear me, people?  I said:  DAILY.  Unlike every other muscle in our body, which need a resting period, the self-confidence muscle can’t be afforded that luxury.

What I have noticed about mine is if I don’t do some form of positive thinking about myself every day, it tends to get weaker over time.  The longer I go without a good thought, the longer it takes me to build my self-confidence back up to where I last left it.  And as I’ve stated in a previous blog post called, “Working out: That Helpful Bitch”, I hate working out.  So who has time to keep working the same muscle all the time and seeing no major results?  Surely not me.  And I’m sure you don’t have the time either.  I’m sure this happens too many of us more than we would like to admit to ourselves let alone the rest of the world.  I think that even the most self-confident person has to experience this from time to time.  The only difference is their bounce back game is probably a lot stronger than yours or mine.   And that’s unfortunate.  I have recently met someone whose self-confidence muscle is the level of strong that I want to get mine too. It seems that no matter what she can’t be brought down.  Whether it be from negative comments from others or even negative thoughts she may have in her mind from time to time.  She knows without a doubt that she will accomplish her goals and that she is the shit.  Period.  She focuses on her strengths, taking daily steps to reach her goals, her spirituality and her overall badassness.  So one is faced with the question:  how do we build our self-confidence muscles during times when we just aren’t feeling it?  The answer to that will undoubtedly be different for different people for sure.  So I’ll just tell you a few things I have been doing to build my muscle up to Hulk status.

1.) If on a particular day I feel down, I don’t stay there long.  We are humans who have ups and downs.  One minute I love my life and everything in it.  And the next I could be questioning why I was put here in the first place.  And that’s cool.  I feel what I need to feel and then MOVE ON.  I work hard to not stay in the dark for too long or it will be harder to light the match that I need to see in order to get out.

2.) I write all my feelings and emotions down on paper.  It may sound stupid or cliché, but I have found that it works for me.  When I’m having a particularly shitty day, I need to write about it.  I write exactly how I’m feeling at that moment.  Whatever crappy feeling I have about myself, others around me or my surroundings get written about.  No hold barred.  And once I have let it all out, I close my journal and leave it there.  Now I’m not saying that once I’ve written it out, I feel 100% better.  Hell no.  But it helps me to get those thoughts out of my mind so I can refocus my thoughts on more productive matters.

3.) I find something that inspires me or makes me feel good.  That could be a book, a motivational speaker, a bible verse, a baby’s smile or a funny meme.  For me, I’ll go on Instagram and look at funny memes to make me laugh.  Or I’ll listen to one of my favorite podcast to help me feel inspired again.  I find “Style Your Mind” and “The Lavendaire Lifestyle” to be among the most helpful for me.  Both podcasts speak to me in a way that is relatable, helpful and kind.

This self-confidence muscle will not be built overnight.  And it damn sure won’t build itself, you gotta put in the work to make it happen.  And as lazy as I am and yes I can admit this about myself.  I’m willing and able to do the work.  And if I can, I know you can.

 

Restlessness = Equals No Progess

According to the definition restlessness means, “a lack of patience; irritation with anything that causes delay.  Inability to rest, relax or be still.”  So far for the better part of 2018, the above definition has fit me perfectly.  All day, every day the same relentless feeling.  I don’t know exactly what prompted this feeling to begin.  But I think I may have figured out why it has continued.  My severe lack of belief, trusting the process and my patience.  My belief in knowing that I’m a great writer who is improving all the time. Knowing that my dreams and goals are coming true.  And the patience to know that all the above things are true, real and happening now.  I get into this never-ending cycle that I haven’t quite figured out how to completely stop.  I’ll get all gun-ho excited about something new.  Building a new positive habit, writing out future goals to work at, starting a new exercise routine, etc.  And it goes well for a few weeks, maybe even a month or more.  Then it’s like I hit that wall of self-doubt and impatience.  That in turns leads to me hitting that wall of restlessness.  BANG!  And I just sit there in a messed-up car and state of mind for what seems like forever.  No telling how long it takes but eventually, I’m able to open the door.  Step out of the car and walk away from the wreckage.  Only to open the door to the new car, sit down, buckle the seat belt and slowly approach a new wall to hit.  Smh….  When the restlessness sets in, I could be down for weeks.  But I don’t want too.  Who would?  I want to be up!  So how do I work to get back up there?

I realized that I was off balanced and not centered at all.  That’s the best way for me to describe how I was feeling.  I reached out to members of this group I belong to on Facebook called, “The Baby Elephant Group.”  It’s a group where people come together to share all things positive.  I have found a person in the group that I’ve really connected with a lot.  She always has a positive word of advice, encouragement or a helpful tip for me.  She basically told me that I must keep the faith that the universe is working in my favor at all times.  To think negative is to receive negative.  She told me that I was feeling off balanced because I wasn’t connecting to my higher self.  Meaning I was basically losing focus on what I wanted to achieve, and the time spent working toward those goals. I spent too much time looking at what was currently around me instead of visualizing my future that is already set in stone.  I have a tendency of letting my current surroundings get to me, especially because I often feel things are progressing fast enough for my taste.  After speaking with her, I decided to reconnect with myself.

I took inventory on things that I used to do, that I slowly over time stopped doing.   I began writing out my feelings about what I was going through in my journal.  Yes, I still keep a journal.  Try it, it works wonders.  I turned off the television (which truth be told I do love) and read more books.  I listened to more positive podcast that were speaking on becoming more centered and goal focused.  I started meditating again before bed.  I tend to do it before bed because it helps me relax and sleep better.  And the biggest thing of all, I began to focus more on feeling happy.  Even though I may not be exactly where I want to be in life, I can be happy with what I have overcome to get to this point.  I’m closer now to my dreams then I have ever been in my life before.  And to know that feels awesome.  If you come to a crossroad where you feel lost, unbalanced, unfocused or stuck, try a few of the things that I do.  Or find whatever could possibly work for you. Just remember that it’s totally ok to feel the way you feel.  You are after all human and we all filled emotions. But know that if you fall off track with your goals, feelings of positivity or forming a new habit, you can start anew.  Just get out of your wrecked car, hop in the new one, buckle your seat belt and know that this new ride will be smooth sailing from here on out.  Trust the process and enjoy the ride.

Unsupportive people: Please stand to the left

There are some people in this world that are blessed to have a healthy, positive community of people around them.  These people are highly supported in the decisions or actions they make in their lives.  They never doubt for a second that no matter what their community of family and friends has their back.  And then there are unfortunately others who often times feel alone in the world.  Meaning that they may have friends and family that love them, but may not understand or support them.  They may not support their lifestyle, decision making or dreams.  I fall into the latter category…..unfortunately.

I recently had an interaction with a family member.  I’ll just come out and tell you who I’m talking about, my mother.  (Side Bar: She’s been a negative person for a good portion of my life. And that negativity filtered down to me, which I started to notice in myself a number of years ago. I decided I wasn’t happy being like that anymore and started to work on myself. She hasn’t. Now you are all caught up.)  The encounter ended much in the way that most of them do.  Her not understanding my point of view and not absorbing anything I just said.  She has a tendency of constantly throwing my past mistakes in my face.  And in her mind (for some reason) she thinks this is “helpful” to me.  Huh?  She said to me, “You know what your problem is?”  (Side Bar: She LOVES to point out YOUR problems, but doesn’t take to kindly to you showing hers.)  She continues, “You never like to hear the negative….”  And I said to her, “Damn right, I don’t.  No one does.”

To my point, who the hell wants to hear all the negative things about themselves from someone who is suppose to encourage you?  Or from just anyone with comments like those in general?  Absolutely no one on this planet would appreciate that.  In my mother’s mind, I think she thinks by telling you what your problem is, she’s “helping” you.  By telling you the negative things she sees in you, it will somehow help you be a better person.  Or even better for her, the person she thinks you should be.  She fails to realize that all the negative things she insists on pointing out to me, I already know about myself.  All the past mistakes that she still trying to understand, are the same ones I’M still trying to forgive myself for making.  The only thing her informing me has ever done was bring that negative voice in my head into real life.  Live and in living color.  Aren’t I the lucky one?  (Insert eye rolling emoji here)  Trust me, I don’t need anyone to remind me of the things that I have done that I now regret.  I live with them all day, every day within my head.  And I work really hard daily to quiet that voice down on a consistent basis.  I told her something most of us learned as children from the adults around us.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  Period.  I also informed her that if that is the case for her, I have absolutely no problem with her silence.  And that’s real.

If you have anyone in your community that insists on telling you negative things about yourself:  Shut that shit down immediately.  Find the strength to silence their noise.  Find a positive, diplomatic way to tell them that their input is not needed at this time.  And possibly any other time in the near future.  Let them know that you are well aware of your past mistakes.  You were the one to make them.  And that you are taking steps to work through them.  And that you will be making better, more positive choices in the future.  Do not let someone’s “helping” you get in the way of your focus, progress or growth.  And above all else:  DON’T BUY INTO THEIR BULLSHIT.  If you can see where you’ve been making major progress for the better, hold tight to that.  Know that it may have taken you some time, but it has happened.  It’s real and you did it.  It may not always have been easy to do all the time.  I still find it challenging to change the negative patterns I developed over the years, but I don’t give up.  And it’s definitely been hard since I have a “helper” in my midst.  But the improvement of myself and my life is possible and doable.  And these days my only focus.  Make it your only focus too.  When I think about how I used to be compared to who I am now, it’s like night and day.  Even if my “helper” and others can’t see that I’ve changed.  Truth be told, it’s not for them to see. It’s only for me to know.