(Disclaimer- I proofread this thing a dozen times and used an online site to help. If you see mistakes, oh well, I’m only human. Thanks.)
Last week I found out that I’m going to have to have surgery. It’s the kind of surgery that women pray they never have to go through. Especially if they wanted children. To hear the news from the doctor was devastating at first. But not for the reason it would be for a woman my age who is childless. See, having a child was never really in my life’s plan. I always said I never wanted children because I didn’t like them. But as the years went on, I came to find out that that was not true. After working as a Teacher Assistant (a job I fell into) I had a vivid realization. I freaking love kids! Ages 3 to 5 is my favorite group to work with. But I also find enjoyment in working with older kids as well. I say all this to say: Getting pregnant was never on my to-do list. When I found out where babies came from as a young child, the appeal or desire died that day. (Insert laughing emoji here) Seriously though, I thought I would never be a mother. And honestly, I’m ok with that. I figured that if the universe wanted me to be a mom, then a child would be sent via adoption. So to find out that this surgery might possibly remove any chance for me to become a mother biologically, made me feel weird. Even though as I stated I had no plans for this. Several questions I never had to think about before popped into my mind as well. What would I feel like afterward? How big will the scar be? Will this completely kill my sex drive? And most importantly: Will I feel less like a woman?
The last question really got me to thinking about how I truly viewed myself. Why have I tied up my womanhood in my reproductive system? Just because my body can hold life within it, am I not less than because mine may not be able too anymore? After pondering this, I came to a resounding answer. Hell no! Regardless of the outcome of my situation, I will still be who I have always been. Me. Yes, this will be a big change. Yes, this will take some adjustment on my part to get used too. And yes, my mind and body will need time to heal. But this change is necessary for my well-being and health.
Why do we sometimes began to feel less than ourselves when a sudden change occurs in life? I’m sure there are people who have worked in a certain field for years and then lost that position. Now they don’t know who they are if they can’t be that (fill in the blank) they were for 20 years. There are people who have been in relationships for so long that when it ended, they didn’t recognize themselves anymore. They have questioned who they were without this person in their life. Often times when life comes to shake things up, sometimes we start questioning who we are. I say all this to say, that sometimes we hold onto the idea of who and what we are based on exterior things. Or even worse, what society dictates what we should be. Both are destructive behaviors that we must diminish from our lives. Knowing that I have to have this surgery made me look at myself in a different light. Which definitely was not healthy for me mentally. This is a change I that I never actually thought I would have to go through. But this is happening so I must accept it. I finally remembered that who I am isn’t wrapped up in my body and what it can and cannot do. That actualization gave me a sense of freedom. Freedom in knowing that I’m still the same woman I’ve always been. If not stronger for actually having to go through this. And with any other future dramatic life change, I will always remember who I am. Strong, brave, smart, funny, kind, big-hearted, loyal and a positive thinker. And truly that’s all that matters.