We all know (or should know by now) to never self-diagnose using the web. What you initially think is just a common cold, will later have you thinking you’ve got Ebola in your left lung. Despite this knowledge, I went ahead and hit up google anyway because I was sure I could figure out what my issues were. Or at the very least get pointed in the right direction. And it helped me figure out what I kind of already knew. I was depressed. Or more specifically, I have high functional depression. According to Talkspace.com, “High-functioning depression is a form of the (depression) illness that is not intense enough to noticeably affect the ability to perform daily responsibilities such as work and home duties. High functioning depression can carry some of the same symptoms as any other form of the disorder.” Some of the symptoms the site listed were: Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood, Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism, irritability, feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies or activities, restlessness, appetite and weight changes, thoughts of death or suicide, aches or pains, digestive problems with a clear physical cause, relentless self-criticism, doubt, worry over the past and future and getting upset by small issues. After reading the article I had to face the fact that I currently have a few of these symptoms.
I didn’t want to claim depression. I mean who does? But seeing as though I’ve had depression before, I know what it feels like. This time though it felt different for me. I was able to get out of bed and handle necessary daily activities. But once the work day was done, I would shut down. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I just wanted to be left alone, lay around and watch television. My sleep habits were all over the place. Some days all I wanted to do was sleep (basically taking naps) and on other days I couldn’t sleep at all. I begin to know something was different when I stopped doing the things that made me feel more positive and good. I stopped reading self-help books (and books in general), meditating, working out, interacting with people and watching positive YouTube channels I’m subscribed too. This change wasn’t overnight, it was a gradual change. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to identify. I had a temporary job during the summer that was physically and mentally draining on me. So when I wasn’t there, I had no energy to do anything. Since I had less energy that meant that I didn’t want to go anywhere on my days off. Since I didn’t want to claim depression (let alone even say it) I just thought I was tired from the job I didn’t like. I blamed outside things instead of looking inside at what the issue could be. And the issue was me.
Once I really gave how I was feeling some serious thought, I had to realize that I was depressed. Saying that I was depressed goes against everything you learn when studying the law of attraction. According to the law of attraction, you should only think and speak positivity into your life. Because if you think and speak negative, the universe will give you more things to be negative about. My thinking was, “If I actually say I’m depressed, then I’ll bring more things into my life that will make me depressed.” And that could very well be true. I came to understand that the way I was feeling didn’t go against the law of attraction. Just like the law of attraction has become a part of who I am, unfortunately, feelings of sadness from time to time are too. At some point, the way I feel has to hold just as much weight as my efforts to live my life according to the law of attraction. So how do I work through this to get back to a more positive, happier me?
The first thing I did was to accept that I was depressed. Step one completed, check. I had to leave all the stigma I felt about having to admit to depression behind. My next step was to find a professional to sit and talk with. That may take more time seeing as though health insurances are usually full of shit when you actually need to use it. But that’s a post for another day. But I’m hopeful that they will help me financially. Until I’m able to see a professional, I decided to work on the following:
1.) Start reading again. Even if it’s only 15 minutes a day to start. I do enjoy reading and the type of books I read usually do help me to be more positive and hopeful.
2.) Do some physical activity. I actually enjoy lifting weights, so I’ll start again with three days a week. Over time, hopefully, I can build from there.
3.) Journal more. In the past, journaling has seemed to help me work through problems. And it also helps to clear my mind of worries I may have. That, in turn, helps me fall asleep easier and sleep better.
4.) Mediating. You would think this one would be a no-brainer for me, but it isn’t. I’ll start with just 10 minutes and build up from there. Again I do this before bed so that I can relax and fall asleep. I’m going to try to implement mediation into different parts of my day as well.
As I continue the healing process, I will work to not beat myself up for how or even why I may have feelings of sadness from time to time. I know that I’m not a lost cause. I am human with emotions that go up and down. But as long as I don’t stay down for long, I’ll be ok. Deep down I know that too shall pass.